In the Belly of the Whale (or Big Fish-depending on how literal you are)
When 2016 was just around the corner, I made a list of things I wanted to do in the new year. Not resolutions really, more like goals. Like every year in recent years, I wanted to bring in more organization to our home and purge clutter, be healthier and train for another half marathon. Oh yeah, and get a solid direction for this little blog.
Over a quarter of the way through the year, I’ve been organizing my office, training for the GO! Half Marathon, which I ran this past Sunday with my daughter, Erin, and trying to make healthier choices for meals (well, sorta). What I’ve been avoiding like the plague is the direction of my blog. You may have noticed this little hiatus as I noodled for a bit what it was I was going for in my posts.
Who was I writing for? How much family/personal info is too much? How often should I post? What’s my goal in this? Do I really have the talent/energy to actually work on it?
If you’ve ever blogged, I’m sure you can relate. When I’ve read articles and books on blogging (probably my first mistake), generally they are geared towards people who want to earn money from a blog or have some area of expertise they’d like to share. Not really my audience.
I started looking at what type of person would be interested in my blog—this goofy, Midwest Mom’s take on people and events in my life—and got stuck. And then self-doubt crept in. As the weeks passed and I did nothing with the blog, I told myself I was only trying to gain perspective on where to go next, and these things take time. I continued reading other blogs that I feel are similar to mine and tried to define what it was about those posts that I enjoyed so much. Like a flowery romance novel with unrequited longing that I devour, it’s the relatable -people thing that pulls me in. I love reading other people’s life experiences and thinking, “Hey, that’s me!” Or “That was a brave thought to put out there.” Funny, because if you read about why I started my blog it’s one of my main points.
Still, I felt I needed to be more purposeful about what I was blogging about. I posted nothing—I wrote them, but I never put them, or myself, out there. I trashed them and I couldn’t finish them. The Lighthearted Dragonfly seemed like a pointless, silly endeavor.
Shelving something that was at one time something that brought me tremendous joy and fueling of hope wasn’t easy. I prayed about it, asked God what it was He wanted me to do. It went a little like this:
“Inspire others,” He whispered. “In doing so, even if you don’t mention my name directly, you will glorify me.”
“I’m not good at that,” I told Him. “People will think I’m pious and stereotype me as a squeaky clean Christian.”
At this point I picture God just shaking his head. “So what?”
“Well, I won’t get followers and I won’t get to write posts about hilarious and dirty misunderstood lyrics.” (I think God would roll his eyes here, because He knows how I much I love to laugh over mistaken lyrics.)
“Uh huh.” I thought about it some more and why it would never work. I hid away from the computer, and writing in general. I applied for full time positions where I work part time now and didn’t get any offers. I busied myself with marathon binging on “Criminal Minds” and ghost/paranormal shows. I played lots of games on my phone during the time I used to work on the blog. The couch became my ship sailing away from the very thing I felt I was led to do.
And despite the fact I thought I was getting away without doing the blog or any writing, I got a touch depressed. It wasn’t a real fish belly I was in, but it was similar. It was a prison of unproductive, wasted time, feeling purposeless and just standing by waiting for life to roll on by. When someone would ask me about my blog, or writing in general, I felt embarrassed for having failed at it. I would see pictures of dragonflies in odd places. And this verse came up in my life, all over the place, again and again.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
I started thinking about Jonah (ironically, that story came up a few times, too.) In no uncertain terms God had told him exactly what He wanted him to do. If you remember the story, Jonah didn’t really feel up to the task, and tried to get away on a boat to hide from God. It took ending up in the belly of a whale to get him to wake up and follow directions. Was that what I was doing? Running from God’s plan for me? I didn’t want to end up that way!
I started writing posts, again only half finishing them and never posting them, but with the idea that I needed to do this. I’m not saying I’m in the same league as Jonah by any stretch, but in the smaller manuscript, God’s Plan for Amy—you may have heard of it—I think there may be a chapter about a little dragonfly blog.
So I’m getting off the couch and back up on that horse (yes, I really do like clichés in my imagery!) I won’t pretend to know the big picture, but I hope that you will follow me and check out the blog now and then. If you were a follower before, thank you for your patience; I’m still here!
I couldn’t end this post without giving a shout out to some of my fellow bloggers that have inspired me to do this thing again. Almost all of them I’ve never met, I’ve just read their blogs and enjoy what they have to say. A big thank you to them for showing me that writing about things you love—from life from the perspective of a young person finding her way, wonderful stories of families and genealogy, to the single dad going to seminary after serving as a Captain in the Air Force sharing his opinions and struggles. Each one of them have made me want to continue doing something that can, at times, seem like a fruitless pursuit. Please keep on writing!
Bloomin’ Flower Moore Genealogy
(You may need to hold the CTRL key to get the links to open!)